I'M GOING TO HELL IN A HAND BASKET

"He so ever that shall believeth in me will likewise be fucked and stoned forever… Jizz 3:16

" Jesus, John, and the Virgin Mary-Someone ought to break her Cherry.
-----"Smokin' Joe" Mengele

"The only Good Blasphemer…is a Dead Blasphemer."
---the Inmates of "Scared Straight"

      I am going to Hell in a hand-basket, I am destined to be CAST DOWN for my licentiousness and lack of respect for authority. That's OK, I'm not concerned whether or not God exists but I do care about all the people who do those silly little things in His name. Like shooting abortion doctors. Or blowing people up. People have such a cavalier attitude when it comes to invoking God or Jesus or Allah that it gets downright frightening; it makes me want to take up snake-handling. My opinion of religion is as follows- it sucks. In theory religion is good but in practice organized religions are manipulative, greedy, prejudiced and hypocritical. I was raised a Catholic, read Carlos Castaneda and decided to be a brujo, failed brujo school 'cause I couldn't handle my peyote and moved on to Dope Worship, Beer Worship, Self Worship and finally, No Worship. I worship nothing and no one. Oh, I admire Robert Plant and Mozart, I dig Bono and Beethoven but technically I have no religion. I'm not an atheist, I just don't think that an entity as Universal as God is or Should Be wears a long beard, white robes and hurls thunderbolts at us puny mortals. God should have more on his plate to deal with than whether or not I wear a rubber. So I ask you, where is God? Or more to the point, why does God need my money?

      Right now in American we have what is called freedom of religion. If you wanna worship God or Krishna or you just wanna sign your Social Security checks "Care of Jim Jones" it's all right, no one's gonna stop you. You're free to Do your Own Thing-- just don't blast me to Hell for not subscribing to your newsletter. When I was a kid I played in a corner softball game with someone who I later found out was a Jehovah's Witness. I didn't know about it and I didn't care, it never came up when we were chasing flyballs. Up to that time my only experience with Jehovah's Witnesses was when my step-dad slammed the front door in their face. After a few weeks I noticed my friend was acting nervous, I caught him looking across the street over and over for no reason. I didn't put two and two together until he told me he wasn't 'allowed' to play with us anymore. His Witness friends had been across the street the whole time watching us and I was deemed an "undesirable influence." They were in a fucking car…watching us. Nice.

      I've been known to exhibit the Stigmata when drinking but it could have easily been because of the broken glass. I've never healed the sick and the lame, although I've been in a band with many. I've hung out with Lepers, Leopards, Retards and Shepherds but I make no claim to be Divine or to know anybody that is. I don't want anyone's money to open up a PTL or to buy Jessica Hahn a new pair of jugs. If you wanna go to church twice on Sunday, OK…if you wanna give 'til it hurts FINE… leave me out of it. Only an major earthquake or a plague of lice is gonna get me off my couch.

      This particular anti-religious rant was inspired by Sunday free cable access TV. Every Sunday on the free cable access channel you can watch self-styled evangelists peddle their own brand of Sacred Gravy for anyone bored enough to tune in. Divinity Scientists with charts, Bible Students Round Table, they've all got the Answer. Black men dressed up in choir robes twisting and shouting, waving their arms about Truth and eternal damnation, like a Biblical Sanford and Son. It's Amateur Hour, it's the Gong Show, the same tired quotes over and over--Mark 22:12, Matthew 12:22, Josie 13:13, Hallelujahs on the Half Shell, the good old "Burn in Hell" rap--- " You're going to Hell if you don't believe in Jesus" " You're gonna burn forever if you don't believe in Jesus." I resent these people for trying to scare me into accepting THEIR version of God, It's either their way or HELL. It's the height of arrogance to suppose that your religion is the One and Only because it implies that everyone else's must be WRONG. These people aren't qualified to speak of God or theology, they're just ordinary people in rented robes and bad gospel soundtrack who feel they must PUSH their message onto others. I never understood this, the need to proselytize proselytize proselytize---doesn't anyone realize nobody wants religion shoved down their throats? Whoever heard of someone selling a religion DOOR TO DOOR? Like encyclopedias or Domino's Pizza---it doesn't sound real until you hear the doorbell and the Moonies are at your door, smiling that Mark David Chapman Smile clutching their perverted pamphlets.

      After a while the programs strayed from the traditional Christian and crossed over into the Absurd. Case in point--"Get into God's Army"-- a half hour show run by a middle-aged surfer-dude with mirror sunglasses and zero credentials whatsoever. I found out this man actually SPEAKS for God, God "talks" to him-Here he delivers one of God's "new" commandments

"If you're not born Again you're not doing what God wants you to do…"

This begs the question, what else does GOD want us to do? Burn incense? Sacrifice a virgin? Kill John Lennon? Someone please tell me what God wants me to do and I'll do it, however ridiculous. God told him that all us non-believers must die. And by "non-believers" he meant everybody who wasn't a card-carrying member of God's Army. He wasn't clear how and when we were going to die but he implied it would be sooner than I'd like. Then he held up the Satanic Bible and told us we had to burn this book because it was really written by Satan, not Anton Levay. All books written by the Hand of Satan MUST be burned so naturally that goes for any book Surfer-Dude deems "Satanic" ( I'm betting the Catcher in the Rye isn't one of them) God told him all this…personally. And they let El Bizarro go on Public TV and spout his crap because technically he's a Christian and therefore Kosher. It boggles the mind and it makes me wonder who is truly the fanatic, us or Them. My only comfort was that I was probably one of only six people watching.

      Last but not least was a program called yahwehbenyahweh. Yahwehbenyahweh I learned is Hebrew for Son of Yahweh, Son of God. This religion was a bizarre mixture of both Judaism and Islam with the Good News that the Son of God had returned to Earth in the form of a smiling black gentleman called, you guessed it …yahwehbenyahweh. Nobody really told me what the man's message was and I wasn't clear just what he was supposed to be doing down here but I was directed to the Messiah's website, yahwehbenyahweh.COM . So this guy does it one better, he doesn't SPEAK for God, he IS God. How comforting. All bow down to the God of Everlasting Love, God Loves you, God loves you…UNTIL YOU PISS HIM OFF.

      They say doctors play god, politicians play God. Absolute Power corrupts absolutely, well there's nothing scarier to me than someone with a knife in his hand and God on his side. I just don't distrust religion, I fear the consequences of religion gone berserk. If history teaches us anything it tells us that people will believe anything if it comes wrapped in a Holy Shroud. End of the World fanatics, Christian fanatics, Muslim fanatics, Yahtzee fanatics, sushi fanatics, cannibals, rock singers, winos and sluts----put your seat belt on…we're off to see the Jizzard.