B O T O X
Botox….sweet sweet Botox. Eliminator of fine lines and wrinkles. Rejuvenator. Sweet sweet extract of poison. Cher uses it…can't you tell? So does Michael Jackson. They both look 20 years younger, so what if they have to communicate with hand signals? They look YOUNG, that's all that matters. Is it so important to look young these days? When I see Cher I'm reminded of those stone statues from Easter Island, grim, foreboding, and immovable. Can Cher French kiss anymore or does she just open her mouth up and down like a Grouper? Yea Brethren, Cher pays a heavy price for those porcelain looks. What's the point of having cheek implants if you can't use them?
I fancy myself a bit of an expert on cosmetic surgery. My wife is a devotee` of the genre and has given me private lessons in spotting the many splendid ways to "augment" oneself. Being a man I wasn't really aware of the full extent of the Horror, I take looks for granted I guess. We would watch the Noon News on the local channel and I would get a checklist of all the work this particular News Bitch had received--
" She's had her nose done, her eyes done, she's got cheek & chin impants…"
" How DO YOU KNOW?" I would ask.
She just KNEW. She could spot the shit the way I could spot a bad weave. Suffice to say the extent of the damage is overwhelming, nearly EVERYONE on TV, newswomen, weatherwomen, models, wanna-be models, they've all had extensive surgical work done. Just open up the L.A. Weekly, our local rag mag, that's a good indicator. Practically all the ads are for cosmetic surgery and I'm talking practically ALL. You don't see that in the Toledo Weekly or the Denver Free Press. Lipo deals, 3 thighs for $1500, cheek and chin, 2 for 1, it's like fucking Von's-they're givin' the shit away. Penis augmentation, vaginal augmentation, Lips inflated with Dead People fat, fucking WHAT? DEAD PEOPLE FAT?? Now call me a squeamish old fart but I was always taught to Fear the Dead, I don't want to be Near the Dead. The Dead can keep what fat they carry, take it to the Next World, trade it for pots and pans.
I'm getting ahead of myself. The reason for this particular rant is an MTV program I watched the other day about cosmetic surgery, the object of course to scare young girls away from it and to give them the too-often-tried-tactic "You're beautiful just the way you are" and "You don't need twin-pontoon boats to be beautiful" and "So what if you can open paint cans with your nose Honey-you're BEAUTIFUL"
Now this line of reasoning is hypocritical at best, especially when it's featured on MTV. Also it's about as preventative as "Just say No" was 10 years ago. Yeah Kids, just say "No" to Drugs and Fucking. Say Yes to studying. Good work Nancy Reagan. I say Just Say No to your stupid bullshit abstinence rap and say Yes to watching husband Ronnie turn into Those Who Must be Kept.
Girls from far and wide come to L.A., you've heard me say this before. They come to be models or singers or actresses, whatever. Maybe they were Hot Shit in their small town but when they get here they quickly find out they don't have what it takes. They spend $450 a pop on "glamour photo" shoots and countless hours going to auditions, line after line, rejection after rejection. " What's wrong with me?" they ask… "Am I not pretty enough?"…Well Lookee here, with a couple cuts of the scalpel I could be A LOT PRETTIER.
Case in point, the subject of this MTV special; two girls undergoing cosmetic surgery. They already had the fake tits but they wanted MORE. One girl didn't want her thighs touching anymore so SUCK THE FAT OUT, SUCK IT ALL OUT. The other girl had a big Jewish nose so LOSE THE SKI JUMP, LOSE THE BUMP-GET RID OF IT. By the way the reason for this additional surgery was the two girls undying desire to be in PLAYBOY. Oh maybe not Centerfold, just a pictorial, just the two of them, that's what they were shooting for. You can't even imagine how many times Josie has heard this from aspiring "models" who E-mail her from across the U.S. "How do I get into Playboy?" " Can you give me a number to call?" Yeah 1-800- FAT CHANCE … 'How do I get into Playboy' indeed, that's like me asking-- "Where do I go to pick up a Pulitzer Prize?" The Power of L.A….the Power. You gotta respect the Power of a place that draws women like lemmings year after year. So back to the story. The two girls traveled to Beverly Hills and saw a certain Dr. Linder (a familiar name to me and DON'T ask why), he took his magic wand and carved out huge chunks of the one girl's inner and outer thighs like it was Thanksgiving. Then he took a cold chisel and broke off a large portion of the other girl's beak. We watched the recovery period and all the giggling anticipation " Now we're gonna get into Playboy FOR SURE!!"
Several weeks later when the swelling had gone down the two girls dressed up and went in for their much-anticipated Playboy audition pictures. Thousands of dollars of surgery aside, someone should have told them that you also have to know how to POSE. Their pictures SUCKED, they showed the girls as they really were, amateur wanna-be models, average-looking women with fake tits, a better nose, and skinnier thighs. And after all their $$ and time and anguish they didn't even submit the pictures, I guess they must have reached the same conclusion as I did. But they both decided they needed bigger boobs.
Living in L.A. is like being a heroin addict, everyone thinks they can handle their drugs but they always end up wanting more. If you get your nose done you want to get a chin implant. If you get your boobs done you ALWAYS want to get them re-done bigger. Plus every girl has to have hair extensions. You don't think FOR ONE SECOND that hair is Real, do you? It's all fake, be it braids or pieces or a full fucking wig it's not real. So we've got fake tits, fake chins, fake hair, fake lips, Lipo-ed out hips, nose job, eye job, cunt job and last but not least People, even with all that work, a finished picture that's been Photo-shopped clean of any last dimple, blemish or minute imperfection. Wiped clean by the Wrath of God. The Internet is chock-full of aging Playboy ex-beauties, Playmate of the Month 1985, Playmate of the Year 1878 ---it's amazing how these women have kept their figures…. ISN'T IT??? Yeah it's "amazing" all right, thank their tireless webmasters who stay up all night scrubbing off the stretch marks, the liver spots and the bulldog-like wrinkles with their "magic pen". These women require their ENTIRE BODIES Photo-shopped, along with an inch or two "shaved" off their waist, their neck, their ass, their flabby Second Grade School Teacher arms and both thighs and calves. Hourglass Figures in Ten Minutes or less or your money back.
It's all a lie, it's all a fake. And You the public buy into it, if you didn't these women wouldn't have to go under the knife so many times like lambs on Easter Sunday. Thousands of girls, amateurs, with their homemade 'model' websites,---The Internet makes it easier to deceive yourself you see, now EVERYONE can be a model, whether they're model-material or not. It's laughable but it proves a point, the Power that draws women to L.A. is REAL. I see it all the time. Come to L.A. to realize you're not the Hot Blonde you thought you were. Come to L.A. and get set upon by unscrupulous hoodlum-musicians that just want to turn you out and live off your stripping. Come to L.A. for a large dose of humility and eventual despair….You think I'm full of it? Then by all means….Come.