J O N  B E N E T - T V

Is it my imagination or are MTV Starlets getting younger and younger? I was watching a Video for the band  "M& M"-- "Mirror Mirror". These two little girls were playing kickball in the schoolyard one day when Tommy Mottola offered them a 7 record deal. He flew them out to New York and shot their video, all before Recess. They went Gold around Lunchtime, got hooked on Speed before Fifth Period and were washed-up Teen Has-Beens before Dinner. What a Day!! These two girls are next in line for the coveted "Too Young to Fuck but old enough to have seen the Film Strip" Award. Mandy Moore is another. She looks like she's about 13. No tits, presumably no Pubes, She sings about the Heartbreak of Lost Love from the viewpoint of a girl who can't get into a PG-rated movie without Parent or Guardian. Padded bra, made up like Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver, her Heart yearns for Love, REAL LOVE. Not that plastic phony shit us grown-ups experience. No Late Night Humping in the back of the Tour Bus for Mandy. No cramped and sweat-soaked sex in the hatch-back of my 240-Z, no way. Mandy sings about the Real Thing....whatever that is. We should probably ask the person and/or persons who write her songs for her, The Corporate Steamroller that keeps churning out the Patented Teen Hits for these Teen Clits. 

First came Britney, she says she's 18 but my guess is that she's really 34. She was organically grown in some Aldous Huxley-ish Stew, like the chick in Species, born and bred for Maximum Teen Dreams. The Boobs were grafted on later, after Wind Tunnel Tests confirmed there was insufficient Drag to inhibit her frenetic Dance moves. Parents? There are no parents, only His 'n' Her Test Tubes. Managers, Business Managers, Agents, Coiffures, Chauffeurs, Choreographer, Videographer, Stenographer, Hair Extension De-Tangler, Fan Mail Answer-er, all working for and under the Kind and Gentle Wing of the Universal Record God. 

I've always been against Put-Together Groups, be it Boy bands, TLC-types or the Ubiquitous Ingénue. It's all the same. Study Groups poll audiences to find out what they want to see and in our case it seems we want to see 13 year old girls in full make-up and hair singing innuendo-soaked love songs. 

Here's an example --"Hit me Baby One More Time." Does she mean " Fuck me Baby One More Time?" Does she want to get fucked, or excuse me, fucked... again? Implying she's getting it right now, of course. If somebody is fucking this 16 year old girl, that's Statutory Rape. Or could she mean "Strike me Baby One More Time?" Does she want to be beaten? That's pretty severe. Surely there's a Law against that kind of thing. Or could it be "Cornhole Me Baby One More Time?" Hmm, either way you're fucked. You can't Hit 'em and you can't Fuck 'em. All you can do is watch...  

This takes me back to one of my pet-peeves, the Jon Benet Murder Mystery. The little imp was strangled two years ago and we still can't get on with our lives, we still have to see her cherubic face on the Evening News. Ask yourself WHY. Is it because We the People just can't get over this heinous murder until we find her Killer or is it because this little Six year old is forever entrenched in our minds as The Dancing Made-up Vegas Whore? It's two years later and I still have to see this Fucking Kinder-Gardener on the cover of the Enquirer or dressed in a Flowered Bustier blowing Pre-pubescent Kisses to the Assorted Weirdo Pervo Old Men Out There, Whacking Off in some Dark Secluded corner. Yeah, the Dude in the Greasy Trenchcoat, giggling hysterically. Think about it, would anyone give a shit about Jon Benet if she looked like one of the chicks from L7? I don't think so. There is something profoundly disturbing in dressing up little girls and selling them as Vibrating Teen-Titallators. MTV is now divided between Rap, very little Rock and the Stable of Put together Desmond Child-like Projects, the Little Boys and Girls. Here's your Songs, here's your Moves, now start Trotting and make us some $$$. Producers, Songwriters, Managers and the Record Company take the Lion's Share, we all know that. The Boys are left with their Memories and a couple of Hand Jobs. 

Those self-same Producers are probably right now bargaining for the Rights to the Boy's Frozen Sperm. To Perpetuate the Species, sorta like Colonel Tom Parker meets Josef Mengele . I hear Orville Redenbacker is going to go into the Boy Band Business with his Low-Fat Unsalted Heartthrobs, ready to eat in FIVE MINUTES!! Of course my ranting isn't gonna change anything. I saw Hanson on MTV yesterday, they have a new record. My prediction is that it's gonna BOMB. Not because I think they suck, mind you. Hell, there's no place for people that write their own songs or even SING their own songs anymore . We have entered the Surreal World of TEEN FANTASY , the more Un-real the better. Pop Music has turned into Pop-Fiction, Kiddie-Porn Girls and Baby-Oiled Boys are the Wave of the Future. The Era of the No-Band is here. Long Live the New Flesh.