Q U I N C Y  A N D  O T H E R  N O N S E N S E

I was driving down the street the other day when I saw a truck coming flashing a row of red flashing lights. Like all the other motorists I dutifully pulled over and stopped, idling. As the white truck sped by I glanced at the writing on the panel-side door....Animal Services ......ANIMAL SERVICES??!! What the Fuck? I stopped my car because someone was late getting to THE POUND? As I sat there I wondered why Dogcatchers need flashing lights on their vehicles. Why the Emergency? Does it make any difference whether this Dogcatcher gets to the Pound 15 minutes earlier or later? I'm sure if they queried the dogs locked in the back they'd say ..."Slow Down --Take your Time." After all, the dogs are on their way to Barken-Belsen. Arbeit Macht Woof, the Doghouse in the Sky. Why the hurry, Dogcatcher? The fact that this Highly-trained Civil Servant has flashing lights on his vehicle upsets me. He has the Power to pull me over and I don't like that. Only Firemen and Cops should have this Power, not dogcatchers. That goes Double for those asshole ticket-writers in their little white Chevy Cavaliers, why give them any slack? What about Streetcleaners, why do they need a flashing light? Here's a good one, Remember Quincy from TV? He had a flashing light on the top of his car and that's the most preposterous thing yet, a CORONER with a flashing light. Wherever you're going, Coroner, the dude's ALREADY DEAD. It won't make any difference whether you take the Diamond Lane or not, HE'S DEAD. He's chalked out on the carpet, HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE. Take your time , go get a Burger, answer your E-mail ,the Dead Guy will still be here. I always wondered how a show like Quincy could even stay on television for so long, given the Grisly aspects of his Profession. They really Sugar-Coated the whole Dead-Handler Thing, even made Quincy out to be something of a Ladies Man. Dinner and Drinks with the Coroner, Late Night dancing Cheek to Cheek, Dom Perignon and a Roaring fire with the Coroner , HE'S A CORONER FOR CHRISTS SAKES---- He's got a Ration of Guts and Ligaments and Bile under his thick black fingernails and he's Fingering Pussy like a Porn Star---Am I the only one who's freaked out by this? Beautiful Women every week tongue-kissing Quincy who cuts up the Dead FOR A LIVING, THAT'S HIS JOB- -- .... I don't care if he solved crimes All the Live Long Day, he's a Goddamn Ghoul---albeit a Ghoulish Man about Town, sorta like Brad Pitt meets Jeffrey Dahmer. If you watched the show they really made light of the fact that in order to solve all those fucking crimes Quincy had to pull out People's Bloody Hearts like an Aztec Priest. Quincy and his Oriental assistant laughing and trading One-Liners as they sawed through a Man's Rotting Skull, or jammed a catheter up his arse to poke for Clues, or Worse. I noticed nobody ever went to Quincy's house, or questioned the white billowing smoke coming out of his chimney---

The Seventies were full of TV Crime Solvers....Cannon the Morbidly Obese Crime Solver. Barnaby Jones, the 600 Year-Old Crime Solver. Also a Magnet for the Ladies. Longstreet, the BLIND Crime Solver. He didn't last too long, it's hard to chase criminals when you keep running into trees and parked cars.Kojak the Bald Crime Solver. Banacek the Polish Crime Solver. Columbo the Slob..... I say we go One Step Further, How about THUD, the Quadriplegic Crime Solver ? "When He sinks his Teeth into a Case, there's No Letting Go!!" They could Duct-tape him to a skateboard and he could chase criminals up and down the streets of San Francisco. Or what about Wheezy, the Iron Lung  Crimesolver? Or Stony, the Catatonic Crimesolver? If Jack Klugman can solve crimes and still get laid then anyone can. If I saw a guy in an Iron Lung coming down the street with flashing lights and a siren I'D PULL OVER-----