A  C A S E  F O R  B R A N D I N G

Our Modern society is plagued by a myriad of social ills, Poverty, Racism, Crime, The Backstreet Fucking-Boys, all these have contributed to the gradual decay of our moral fiber. One of the consequences of this societal decline is the overcrowding in our prisons. The vast majority of criminals languishing in prison right now are not murderers or rapists but rather petty drug criminals, i.e., guilty of Crack possession, smoking crack, dealing crack, crack crack crack---They get arrested, do their time, get released only to get arrested again and the cycle repeats itself over and over. The County doesn't care because they make money renting out beds and feeding and housing these small time offenders at the approximate cost of $25,000 per person per year. Multiply that by the tens of thousands of inmates housed in California ALONE and you see that Incarceration makes for Good Business. There has to be a better way....

For all the Modern Marvels this new millennium has to offer I can't help but think they had a more efficient system back in the Middle Ages, or better yet the Dark Ages. Back then crime was punished brutally, efficiently, and most of all QUICKLY. If you murdered someone you didn't Kick Back in an air conditioned cell with 80 cable channels and Three Squares a day, you didn't spend the People's money in 10 years of trials and mistrials and endless appeals. YOU DIED, simply put, you were killed. Hung by the neck, Guillotined, thrown off a cliff, thrown to the wolves, thrown to the lions, drawn and quartered and eighth, sometimes all of the above. An Eye for an Eye. Simple, brutal, efficient.

If you raped someone your balls were cut off, if you stole from someone your hand was cut off, if your wife cheated on you she was thrown into a vat of boiling lead. Now I'll admit some mistakes were made, no system is perfect, the Spanish Inquisition and the Salem Witch trials come to mind but let's face it, you can't make an Omelet without breaking some Eggs. Which brings me to Branding. Branding was a form of punishment that literally spelled out your crime right there on your forehead for all to see, The Scarlet Letter being the most obvious example. You could see that big letter A comin' from 100 yards away.

I'm gonna go out on a Limb here and suggest that we re-institute Branding as a form of punishment, it would make Life a lot easier. People convicted for Crack possession would get a big letter C burned right in the middle of their forehead, so we'd know never to lend them money. Scumbag Armed Robbers that take the money and THEN kill their store clerk victims would get a big AR burned right there on their foreheads, That'd teach 'em. Pedophile Child Molester types would get a big SE tattooed on their foreheads, for Short Eyes. No Internet Access for them. Of course this translates into the Mainstream as well. Poseur Melrose- Shopping- Fred Durst Wanna-bes would get a big P for Poseur tattooed on their foreheads, and they wouldn't be allowed to cover their brandings with red baseball caps either. Rock Sluts would get a big S ( or a little S, depending on who and how many they've fucked). Shylock Gold-chain wearing Manager-Types who lie and cheat young bands out of all their publishing also would get an S, for Scumbag. Sweaty Musicians who do Coke all night and talk Coke Talk to impress chicks would get a big CC, for Coke Chimp. Hollywood is filled with these Spandex Simians and girls should avoid them; they'll make promises their Penises can't keep.

I think that the Rainbow would be a much better place if everyone's forehead was Branded. Girls fresh off the Bus could immediately spot the sweaty Guido-types by the prominent P on their foreheads, for Porno. Gold digger-Groupie Types could avoid any musician with the letter B on their foreheads, for Broke. Or WB, for Wanna Be. Or LY, for Local Yokel. Of course the same holds true for the men also. They would see the letters TW for Tweaker or SC for Stairclimber or EHHBY, for Everyone's Had Her But You and run the other direction. Think of it, you could avoid a Mountain of small talk and a fortune in Drink Tickets.

Let's take it one step further. If a famous Rock Star wanted to fuck your girlfriend all he'd have to do is check your chick's forehead for SC for Stairclimber of L for Loose or WTHGOTR, for WAIT TILL HE GOES ON THE ROAD. What a Timesaver!! Then the boyfriend wouldn't have to endure the humiliation of being cuckolded, unless he was sporting a big W on his forehead, for Wuss. What if you were a working musician and your girlfriend was fucking one of your friends behind your back? Well...if she had an S on her forehead and he had a SCF ( for So-Called Friend) then at least you'd know the score and could act accordingly. And because People have no Honor in Hollywood this poor sap with the Cuckold's Cap will be mocked behind his back instead of someone being a Bro and just telling him. People here have this Grateful Dead Hippie Vibe that "Karma will take care of it"Don't get involved, Don't ask, don't tell. And they're right, of course. People fuck around on their partners everywhere but in Hollywood it seems to be celebrated as Soap Opera because everyone here must feel that they're LARGER THAN LIFE. All the girls fancy themselves as Budding Pamela Lee's and so therefore seek out their Tommys as Fucked Up as they can Get 'Em. If they didn't have these petty intrigues to soak up the hours everyone would realize that they're broke and Going Nowhere and drinking too much and their songs suck and saying "I've wasted 10 years of my life playing on the Sunset Strip like a Painted Baboon and all I've got to show for it are the Blue Circles under my eyes and Genital Warts."

You don't hear much about Honor these days, especially in L.A. where people would gladly Gut you and swing from your intestines to beat you to a better Gig. Your girlfriend fucks other guys behind your back and no one has the balls to tell you. You hear musicians spout the most absurd lies about their Shit Career and if you challenge the truth of what they say you're an asshole. L.A. is the Bullshit capital of the World where everyone is THE NEXT....Big Thing. Everyone fucks and everyone lies and everyone motherfucks each other behind their backs and praises each other to their faces. It's like we all have Tarett's Syndrome but we all seem to be able to lie and cheat and live with Ourselves. I see it all around me and I can't change people or change the world but at least I can write about it.