C H A P T E R  E L E V E N

HUNG ON THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN-----

I think from the time we got home from the Ozzy tour Columbia   Records had decided to pull the plug. we weren't selling shit in the U.S. , "HAPPY HOUR" had proved to be a disaster. they tried to put the song "Wasted in America " on the radio but it too failed. about this time was when we did the infamous "Hollywood Sign " stunt. we had thought this up long ago, even before we got signed. by crucifying yourself on the Hollywood Sign you were making a statement that this is what IT TOOK to make it in Hollywood . the Universal symbol of Sacrifice. any actor or musician can IMMEDIATELY identify with this feeling. years and years of unrequited labor only to have your hopes dashed again and again...

Skid had finally hit upon the theme for his movie. it would culminate in ME hanging myself from the Hollywood Sign. me....always ME. I wanted to do it  because I felt the ominous rumblings of termination from the record company and I was willing to do ANYTHING to get my career back on track, even at the risk of my own hide. I thought maybe this little demonstration would make a difference. so Skid went about building the "cross". it was fucking huge. if you saw the footage on TV the cross looked kinda small but let me tell you it was HUGE. he made the whole thing in sections so we could transport it easier. 

we did a mock "hanging" on the side of our building. we swung ropes over the side of our two- story  warehouse  so we could practice getting on and off the cross. honestly, I was scared shitless; I was scared of heights and the thought of hanging suspended on a cross off a fucking cliff petrified me. we hung the cross , the rope was thrown over , and I didn't wanna do it; I'm scared. so Skid said " look, there's nothing to it" and he climbs over the edge and promptly falls two stories , landing on his ass. WELL, THAT WAS ENCOURAGING-- it was obvious that I needed a more secure form of descent so I suggested a chain-ladder, you know ,the kind they  put out the window in case of fire. we went to army-navy and got a chain ladder. we hoisted  it over the side of the building and at least I felt a little better. I climbed down the ladder and got on the cross; there's a little perch I could stand on about 12 inches square and I held on to the arms of the cross like You-Know -Who.  I would hang there on the Sign until the cops got me down and I'm arrested, that was ALSO part of the plan, I had to go to jail.

so the day comes. the night before Skid, Joey  and I had hauled the pieces of  the cross up this fucking treacherous hillside and hid all the pieces behind the letter "H". we had reconnoitered the area several times so we knew the terrain pretty well. we had also figured out how to attach the cross to the letters. the letters themselves were attached to this huge steel scaffolding so we would hang pulleys from the top and with ropes we would hoist the cross up the letter. around 3:00 P.M. we all got up the hill. our manager had hired a helicopter from a local airport with a camera crew so  the cross and I had to up at the appointed time. we had a cell-phone so we got up the hill, called them , and  started assembling and hanging this huge thing. we 're not even ready yet and who should come over the hill but our helicopter. the phone starts ringing loudly  so we frantically start to pull our cross up the letter. we had chosen the letter "Y" 'cause it was in the exact center. the cross is secured and it's now my turn...

I remember climbing up to the top of the letter "Y" and thinking OH MY FUCKING GOD ---I'm about 60 feet off the ground, I REALLY HAVE TO DO THIS NOW---Joey throws the chain ladder over the top and we have a problem...only one side of the ladder can hook itself over the side, if you look at the crook in the letter "Y" you can see what I mean, both hooks couldn't share the same little space---I'm screaming " I CAN'T DO IT --I CAN'T " and joey's screaming " YOU HAVE TO " and he offers to lay all his weight on the other hook to keep it steady....

I'm up in the air and the helicopter's swishing by me and ....I have to do this, I thought, if I don't I'll be branded a pussy forever, I'll never live it down,  SO I LIFT ONE LEG OVER THE SIDE, I HOLD ON TO THE LADDER, AND THEN LIFT THE OTHER LEG OVER; I'M COMMITTED--

I'm swinging 60 feet off the ground and the ladder's all twisted up  and just at that moment it decided to un-kink itself. I do a 2- foot freefall and I'm screaming FUCK  FUCK ----I settle down and I inch myself towards the cross and I get a hold of it. THERE--- finally I'm on it, I'M ON THE CROSS. Joey pulls the ladder up and then he climbed down.....everybody split and it's just ME--I DID IT!!

I'm actually HANGING ON THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN--I'M LOOKING DOWN AT THE ENTIRE L.A. BASIN---

now....the hard part began....we honestly thought that someone would notice me IMMEDIATELY-- you know? we thought that we would have just enough time for the helicopter to make a couple passes before everyone and their Mother would notice that there was a new addition to the Hollywood Sign....but it didn't happen that way ; I hung there for HOURS.

I was really holding onto that cross for dear life, it wasn't constructed with safety in mind. after the first hour or so it was getting surreal up there. there wasn't a sound, the whole valley was quiet except for me swinging in the breeze, the sun was burning down on me and worst of I was getting tired of holding on. I was so high off the ground that I couldn't get off the cross even if I wanted to. it was ridiculous, I was thinking ' HERE I AM, PLAIN AS DAY-  I'M HANGING FROM THE BIGGEST LANDMARK IN THE CITY AND NO ONE GIVES A SHIT" THAT FUCKING FIGURES then....all of a sudden things started heating up. a newscopter spotted me  and zoomed up to take a closer look. I knew I was on TV, they were looking at me and I'm thinking" what should I do?' SHOULD I WAVE?    MAYBE FLIP THEM OFF ? I opted to pretend that they weren't there, which was hard because the rotor wash from the helicopter was making my fillings hurt. then the cavalry came, all the copters and the TV news and the cops and the fire trucks and even the park rangers came, all in their little distinctive little trucks coming up the hill to arrest my ass. THAT'S  about the time I thought  "fuck, this IS serious" I'm going to jail now......

when the cops finally hiked up the hill they thought it was funny: I remember them actually laughing. the cops and the news people were all asking me WHY? WHY? and I was so tired and fatigued and I was so afraid of SAYING THE WRONG THING  that I said nothing...  " I'm an artist " I mumbled---. they just filmed me and dreamed up their own by-lines...so they got me down and put the cuffs on and they took me to jail for a couple hours and I was booked for "trespassing" I had to do a stint with the police psychiatrist, he sat me down and asked me WHY ? and I said "I'm making a plea to the Rock Gods" and the cop gets all serious, looks me in the eye and said  "JIZZY , THERE ARE NO ROCK GODS "....fuck HIM...what did he know..

they finally let me out, I got bailed out by my manager , I went home. I was all over all the news stations, everywhere; I had bumped Gorbachev from the Evening News. I went home and the next day prepared for all the massive press but it never came. turned out Columbia records HATED  the stunt, we had once again done something they didn't like, they were not amused. 

POSTSCRIPT: they installed motion sensors up at the top of the hill where the Hollywood Sign sits, the Chamber of Commerce got sick and tired of assholes like ME desecrating their lovely little landmark--I'm the only one that ever hung from the Hollywood Sign and now I'm the only one that ever will...